First Page Critique: Scoundrels and Scallywags

Because I enjoy editing just as much as I enjoy writing, and because I want to do my small part to make the world of literature better, I’m offering first page critiques of unpublished stories. Submit your first page here!

For our first feature, we have the first page of a 100,000 word fantasy novel from Jaime C.

I’ll drop the first page for you to read, give my overall thoughts on what I think it’s accomplishing and where it implies the story is going, then I’ll include a few more specific comments below.

I include my assumptions for where I think the story is going because a first page always sets up reader expectations, and if the tone or vibe of a story is different than the expectations you set up on page one, you’re going to end up with a lot of dissatisfied readers. Some readers might give you a full chapter, some might only give you the benefit of the doubt for the first paragraph, but either way, you’ll need the beginning of your story to be as strong and on theme as humanly possible.

So without further ado…

Scoundrels and Scallywags

Taegan Ryker walked the bone cold streets of the northernmost port in Exlaria. His worn through boot heels crunched against the snow that had crystallized into patches of ice. Due to its location, Northern Point was frozen nine of the thirteen months, yet thousands still inhabited the iceberg of a city and its smattering of nearby villages. Ryker tugged the edge of his scarf around his mouth. Tonight, the dead center of winter, was colder than most.

When the air became frigid, most people hunkered down in their hovels of homes and avoided breathing the fresh snow off the nearby mountain chain. If it was cold enough, the monthly Market Week would be postponed until temperatures rose, displacing incoming merchants and keeping most people curled up inside homes or taverns.

But Ryker was not most people. And while he wasn’t completely alone—a few shopkeepers scurried past, coins clinking in their pockets from the day’s work, while brave fishermen hauled pails of fish away from the docks—the quietness of the evening left a dull ring in his ears.

Or maybe that was just the magic itching at his blood to be unleashed.

He coughed into his hands and grimaced at both the choking cloud of white bursting from his lips and the streak of red flecking across his palm. He wiped the blood on the side of his pant leg and continued down the street.

My overall thoughts

First impression here is we’ve got some beautifully vivid descriptions of a fantasy town. From the start, we have a firm setting, an interesting character with an obvious problem, and a clear indication that we are reading a fantasy novel, all of which are exactly what you want in a first page. We’re left with good questions: Why isn’t Ryker most people? What can his magic do? Why is he coughing up blood? I want to keep reading to find those things out.

One thing that’s missing here, though, is what Ryker (presumably the main character) might want, which is generally the driving force behind a story. The setting is very clear and vivid, but as a reader I’m not sure why I should care about any of the setting yet, especially because the cold doesn’t seem to bother Ryker much, and we’re following his point of view. There’s somewhat of a disconnect between the setting and the character, which leaves me wanting to skip over some of the description until I figure out what it means to the character and why it matters to the story.

After reading this first page, I assume that we’re in for a story about the consequences of using (or in Ryker’s case not using) magic, which is always a plot I’m interested in. A good magic system always has consequences for magic, and the blood here implies that these consequences are steep. I’m here for it. I’m also assuming we’ll have a quest plot, since the town is described as miserable and small and generally not a place Ryker (or anyone) would willingly want to be. (Also “scallywags” in the title is giving pirates, and we’re in a port town, so I’m expecting a sea voyage of some sort.) It’s totally fine that we have no specific indication of a quest plot right at the beginning—we need an inciting incident for that—but if this story is going to stay in this small, cold town, the tone of the description might need to be adjusted to better imply the tone of the story.

And now for the specifics…

My Critique

A graphic with specific sentence text of the first page highlighted and corresponding comments.

Text: Taegan Ryker walked the bone cold streets of the northernmost port in Exlaria. Comment: I like that we get a character in the first sentence, but this sentence doesn’t tell me anything about that character or the themes of the book. It’s not the strongest opener. A story should always start with the most important thing. Character? Check. A cold northern port city? I’m guessing probably not the crux of this novel.

Text: Due to its location, Northern Point was frozen nine of the thirteen months. Comment: Unless it’s crucial a reader know the different geographical names and weather patterns of your world from the beginning, you probably don’t need to do this much lore dumping on the first page. Focus on character or conflict.

Text: the air became frigid. Comment: You mention that it’s cold eight times in this first page. Trust your reader! You can mention something once or twice then move on, and readers will understand.

Text: a few shopkeepers scurried past, coins clinking in their pockets from the day’s work, while brave fishermen hauled pails of fish away from the docks. Comment: I love how much efficient and vivid worldbuildling this section accomplishes. We’re firmly in the city and can picture it, smell it, feel it, while we also get an idea of the city’s day-to-day life. A reader can easily extrapolate more information about the types of people who live here and how they live from this short aside. Plus, it’s potential conflict for Ryker, while also marking him firmly as “other.” All fantastic set-up for the rest of the book.

Text: Or maybe that was just the magic itching at his blood to be unleashed. Comment: This sentence being its own paragraph is *chef’s kiss.* It introduces us to a new (interesting) idea and brings in the conflict in a way that’s relevant to the character.

Text: He wiped the blood on the side of his pant leg and continued down the street. Comment: This last sentence tells us more about Ryker than anything else here—his affliction, and his nonchalance about it—and this voice is where you’ll want to be more often than not. The descriptions of the town were beautiful, but is the town as important as Ryker? If not, filter all the descriptions through him.

That’s all I’ve got! This seems like a fascinating novel, and I’m very here for magical pirates (fingers crossed) and the consequences of magic. You’ve got beautiful descriptions and what seems like an interesting world. I hope you found this helpful, and thanks, Jaime, for being the first brave submitter.

If you’d like a critique of your own first page, submit here.

Happy writing!