First Page Critique: Carbon

Because I enjoy editing just as much as I enjoy writing, and because I want to do my small part to make the world of literature better, I’m offering first page critiques of unpublished stories. Submit your first page here!

Here we’ve got the first page of a 3595 word literary sci-fi short story from Ivy A.

I’ll drop the first page for you to read, give my overall thoughts on what I think it’s accomplishing and where it implies the story is going, then I’ll include a few more specific comments below.

I include my assumptions for where I think the story is going because a first page always sets up reader expectations, and if the tone or vibe of a story is different than the expectations you set up on page one, you’re going to end up with a lot of dissatisfied readers. Especially in short stories, you’ll need the beginning of your story to be as strong and gripping and on theme as humanly possible.

So without further ado…

Carbon

I take a deep breath of the suddenly heavier air as I step inside the greenhouse. The handle of the door is slick against my palm as I slide it shut, and I can almost feel the invisible droplets sticking to the uneven stubble of my beard. The sun shines through the glass ceiling, past metal support beams and tall palm trees and a few decorative lamp posts for when the university uses this space for fundraising events. Why else would the University of Edinburgh build a greenhouse on the tallest building on campus, if not to thank the donors for building a greenhouse on the tallest building on campus? It’s not even a greenhouse⁠—it’s more like a conservatory. I’ve always thought it’s more flashy than practical, but that won’t stop me from taking advantage of the university’s publicity stunts.

It is a Wednesday afternoon. A couple students are on the benches scattered through the mazing paths, but I only stumble on two pairs of undergrads making out, which is a vast improvement to the six I ran into last weekend. That was the last time I would ever come on a Friday night.

Now it is mostly humid air and filtered sunlight, and a few students who keep to themselves with homework on their laps or their phones in their hands. My clothes cling as I roam, and I mentally recite a few of the plants’ scientific names as I walk along the paving stones. Clianthus puniceus. Lantana camara. Canna iridiflora. Outside of these walls, these particular plants would be hard set to survive the gray and chilly Scottish skies, much less bloom. Here, separated from snow by some thick glass and scientific optimism, at least a few plants are in bloom on any given day, scattering the space with bold clumps of whites, oranges, and red against the undying green of tropical plants. Wild how science can manipulate nature for the sake of some nice pictures and fundraising luncheons. I wonder if the plants are tired from forcing color for so long.

My Overall Thoughts

The first thing I noticed about this opening is that all the details work together nicely to paint a picture of a tired and put-upon protagonist without coming right out and saying that. The descriptions of the humid air, the editorializing about the university and the students making out, the personification of the plants in the last line⁠—it all complements the same theme, which is great.

The second thing I noticed is that we don’t get any indication that this is sci-fi. We get a little science, with the plant names and the university setting, but no indications that things might get weird and extraordinary, if that’s the sci-fi direction this story is going. In a short story, that would normally worry me, but given the length of this piece (this would be page 1 of 12ish) I think it might be okay, especially if the sci-fi aspect is going to be more understated and the story is going to focus more on the main character’s emotional growth. If on the next page we’re going to see a spaceship, this page might need reworked. But I don’t anticipate that being the case.

This first page is setting up a fairly small-scale story, pretty intimately focused on one character and (presumably) his botanical research. Given the amount of interiority we get here, I’m expecting the story to be more about the character and his arc than any kind of big, flashy plot. Generally stories should start with the most important thing, and since we’re starting pretty strongly with a character and a greenhouse, I expect that the story is going to largely be about a character in a greenhouse.

I also want to point out that overall the descriptions are very vivid, and I have a very solid sense of setting, which I love. There’s a bit of repetition with some of the details, especially about how humid it is, which might merit a second look in editing given the limited space in a short story, but nothing particularly kicked me out of the story.

And now for the specifics…

My Critique

A graphic with specific sentence text of the first page highlighted and corresponding comments.

Text: I take a deep breath of the suddenly heavier air as I step inside the greenhouse. Comment: This first line sets the scene well, but I do wonder if it’s the strongest introduction to the story. Does this line speak to any of the themes in the story or is it solely aesthetic?

Text: the uneven stubble of my beard. Comment: Good immediate character detail! We get enough to picture the character without a full mirror inspection scene.

Text: Why else would the University of Edinburgh build a greenhouse on the tallest building on campus, if not to thank the donors for building a greenhouse on the tallest building on campus? Comment: I love this narrative voice. I want to know more about this grumpy man’s opinions on his surroundings, annoying undergrads, and the bureaucracy of university politics.

Text: My clothes cling as I roam, and I mentally recite a few of the plants’ scientific names as I walk along the paving stones. Comment: This sentence very succinctly gives us both setting detail and character detail, and it’s so smooth I almost didn’t comment on it, just got pulled along to keep reading. A+.

Text: Here, separated from snow by some thick glass and scientific optimism. Comment: While I may be reading into things ⁠— but what are stories for if not reading into? ⁠— this line feels like it is (or maybe should be) introducing the main theme of the story: an insulated scientific discovery for the good of mankind, possibly blocked by bureaucracy, given the focus on the university’s nonsense. If that’s true, maybe consider adapting this to be your first line.

Text: I wonder if the plants are tired from forcing color for so long. Comment: Love the way this reflects on the character without coming out and saying he’s tired.

That’s what I’ve got! I love the tone and vibe of this first page, and I’m very curious to see where the sci-fi aspect takes us. Your attention to detail, pacing, and narrative voice are all incredible and engaging. As you edit, consider cutting a few of the more repetitive details, but overall I’m loving the direction this is going! Thanks, Ivy, for sharing your first page with us!

If you’d like a critique of your own first page, submit here.

Happy writing!